Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
