Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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