I'm lost and stupid without you.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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