Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
