You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
