Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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