tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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