I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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