god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
