We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
