There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
