Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
