i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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