Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
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Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
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Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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