My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
