did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room