TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..