My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
