I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
time to smoke my breakfast
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
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The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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