I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
