I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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