When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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