I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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