If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I die, sorry about rent.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
