the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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