I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
