you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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