and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
