The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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