So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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