then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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