Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
