i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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