I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
