I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
