I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
