I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
