I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
