Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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