You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
nutella sex= disaster
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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