I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize