I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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