your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
