I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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