he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
