as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
