On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
