She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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