Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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