you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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