meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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