i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
