Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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