Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
