last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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