So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
