is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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