i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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