Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Dear god my vagina.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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