I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
