I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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