I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
